Little Problems
by BeyondXtreme
Summary: Hole in the sky? No problem. Templars and Mages at each others' throats? No problem. Deformed rock-for-a-face darkspawn seeking world domination? No problem. Kallak Cadash as Inquisitor? BIG problem. After being elected leader against her will, the dwarf now struggles to keep up with the drastic lifestyle changes. At least she has friends to help her stay sane... Or lack thereof.


**Author's Note:** I recently found this tucked away in the 'Other' folder of my drive (which literally has the most random shit I've ever seen I swear) and decided to juggle a new short story-pun intended. Hopefully it sticks true to the 'Humor' label (know I can't make everybody laugh, but if nobody does then that's when I'll sulk and nurse my bruised ego). In any case, sit, relax, hope ya enjoy!

* * *

"Sod off."

"Don't be like that!"

"If I have to repeat myself one more time, someone is getting crushed to sodding dust."

"Aww, you don't mean that Twee!"

Cadash's temple twitched and her mug cracked under the overwhelming pressure of her death-grip, she glared at the hyper blonde elf courageously occupying the opposite side of the table. "Say Twee one more time and someone is getting impaled where the sun don't shine."

"Yeesh," Sera grumbled and rested her chin on her forearms, comfortably sprawled out on the table top, "what's up your arse today? Someone give ya hell just-"

"Don't say it."

"Coz you're-"

"You will regret it."

"Short?" Sera winced when the mug shattered in the dwarf's hands, she leaned back and defiantly crossed her arms as Cadash glared at her. "Don't get what the big deal is, nothin' you can do 'bout it. If they give you hell then I'll stuff arrows in 'em for ya." _Me being the leader is a big deal, because it's the worst idea_ _ever for a number of reasons._

"It's not that," Cadash groaned and buried her face in her calloused hands, unaware of the damp breeches from the mead that seeped through the cracks of the table, "nobody takes me seriously even if I'm the Inquisitor. **Nobody** , Sera. Not even," she shot another chilling glare at the elf, "my own friends."

"I don't take nobody seriously, y'know that Twee. C'mon it can't be all that bad yeah? How 'bout we solve yer problems then, what's the worst thing-"

"My height," Cadash scoffed, "without a doubt. I'd have been bloody fine but now I have to look up all the time. That causes most of the problems and it can't be fixed."

"Sure it can!"

"No, no it can't?" The dwarf felt uneasy as Sera grinned mischievously and swung her legs over, standing up and casually strolling along to the other side of the tavern. "What is she..." The elf picked up one of the chairs and made her way back, plopping the chair down beside Cadash. They stared at each other for what seemed to be ages and the dwarf glanced at the chair then back at Sera, "I have no idea what you expect me to do with a chair, Sera." _Could beat somebody with it._

"Stand on it!" Sera beamed proudly, "easy fix innit?" _Stand, not sit?_

Realization dawned on Cadash and her temple twitched again, she closed her eyes as she rubbed her forehead and sighed dejectedly, "you want me to... Stand on a chair every time-" she gritted her teeth so hard her jaw cracked under the pressure, "I talk with someone?"

"Well I was thinkin' that it'd be great if we could high-five each other but yeah that works too."

 _Someone end my miserable, pathetic life._ The dwarf slammed her forehead against the edge of the table and mentally chastised herself as the tavern suddenly went silent, _great, now nobody will ever take me seriously for sure._ She waves dismissively at the confused elf and stood from the table, "get that chair away from me before I high-five your face." Her shoulders sank as she strolled out, crestfallen about the entire event. Looking down, she groaned and cursed inwardly, _and now I look like I_ _sodding_ _pissed myself too._

* * *

Cadash grumbled when she heard the voice of a familiar antivan woman calling out to her, well, the only antivan woman currently around anyways. "Sod off," she grunted without looking behind her, "no mood to shake hands with some racist human who will only-" she suddenly bumped into something and fell on her rear-end, immediately cursing at the offender who dared stand in her way.

A large qunari loomed over her and she face-palmed, _exactly who I don't want to see._ Bull looked down and extended his hand, mirth shining bright in his eye. "Sorry Boss," the qunari smirked, "didn't see ya there," _sure you didn't._ Cadash grunted as she reluctantly took Bull's offer, the world seemingly spun and soon as she found herself looking down the qunari's back, _what the?_ _Why can I see Bull's a-_ realization dawned on her and she snapped immediately, banging her fists on Bull's shoulder blades.

"Put me down, you sodding ox! I swear you'll wish you were never born!"

"No can do Boss, got my orders."

"Orders?! From who?!"

"Red said she needed to see you now and knew you'd try to escape."

"Put me down, I can walk there myself!"

"That's what you said the last time Boss. The last four times as a matter of fact. You ran each time."

 _Fuck,_ "sodding... **UGH!** " Cadash reluctantly accepted her fate after seeing her struggle was futile against the qunari, her temper boiling when she felt vibrations from his chest rumble through her. _They elect me as leader, and this is how everybody treats me,_ the dwarf tensed, _I am a proud warrior, I refuse to roll over and merely accept my doom!_ "Bull," she warned, "if you don't put me down, we don't get to hunt dragons anymore." Cadash grinned sadistically when the qunari froze and stiffened, her victory was short-lived however.

Bull started to sprint up the tower.

"Wha-" the world spun and the dwarf's rear-end collided with something, she was dazed from the sudden change. Generally the dwarven warrior was fearless, but today? _Fuck today._ Cadash was face to face with a demon right now, and damn it, the woman had a right to be scared! She glared at Bull and he rose his hands in mock-surrender, smirking.

"Technically you didn't say when and where to put ya down, Boss. So, Red doesn't kill me, and we still get to hunt dragons."

" **Traitor!** " _But dammit he's right! Sodding nug humper!_

Bull merely laughed and waved his hand goodbye as he walked back down the tower stairs, "have fun, see you at the tavern Boss!"

Cadash sighed and reluctantly looked back at the demon, its killing intent shining bright in its eyes. "Might I respectfully say something before the torture begins, Leliana?" The Spymaster crossed her arms and the corners of her lips curled into a cheshire grin, she nodded. Clearing her throat and putting on her best impression of the Ambassador, the dwarf attempts to save herself, "you look positively stunning today," _literally,_ "Lady Nightingale. However, I must convey my strong distaste for politics and-sod it all let's just get this shit over with. What am I being held prisoner for?"

"Firstly Inquisitor I have a question," Leliana smirked as she looked at the dwarf's breeches, "do I honestly frighten you enough for you to soil your-"

" **WHAT?!** " Cadash stammered and shot off from the chair, looking down at her breeches and cursing loudly, "fuck I forgot about this!" _This is my chance though!_ "Would ya look at that, gotta go chan-" she was stopped in her tracks as a heavy hand fell upon her shoulder, and the dwarf was too scared to look back.

"Not so fast. I must say you're remarkably skilled at taking advantage of any opportunity that may arise. I promise this will be quick, Inquisitor, you can change your pants in a moment." Leliana fought to keep the laughter down as it bubbled in her chest, the dwarf merely grumbled and sat back down with a huff. "Good. Now, I need your opinion on something and-"

"The one that kicks the most ass."

Leliana and Cadash stared at each silently before the Spymaster brushed off the interjection as if nothing happened, "it's regarding what my scouts found, and its of dwarven make. I was wondering if by any chance you recognize," Leliana picked up a stone from her table and tossed it to the dwarf, "the inscription on this rune."

Cadash flicked her finger to test the sound the stone made, "I'm no scholar and I've been a topsider all my life. Does look familiar though," she hummed and rotated the rune to inspect it, "atrast nal tunsha..."

"Any idea what that might mean?"

Tossing the rune back and shrugging, "asking the wrong dwarf." Cadash watched as Leliana smoothed her thumb along the stone, "whatever it is, it's special to you isn't it?"

"I had hoped it was a clue in a personal investigation of mine," the Spymaster nodded in appreciation, "thank you nonetheless Inquisitor, I've taken enough of your time."

"Well," the dwarf stood and cursed as the breeches stuck to her, "try asking the Shaperate in Orzammar or something. If you need anything," she waved goodbye as she began her descent, "drag my ass back here, so many sodding stairs..." Cadash cracked her knuckles and bent her neck side to side to loosen up a little, she rubbed the back of her neck and cursed lowly, "always looking up at everyone... Neck is so damn tense. Another reason why me being the Inquisitor is a terrible idea." Pushing the doors open and marching into her quarters, her eyes narrow at the new intruder sitting in the middle of her room.

 **The chair.**

From the tavern.

Cadash could distinctly remember it since she was close enough to see the firmly etched 'Sera's chair' and the fine print 'sit=arrow up the arse' at the surface of the seat. She scanned her room, "Sera, why in the blasted stone did you bring the stupid chair here?" Her head snapped to the balcony above her bed when she heard a muffled yell followed by a series of crashes. _What in the world..._ The dwarf sighed and reluctantly climbed up the stairs, eyebrow raised in confusion as she stared back at the tangled, upside-down elf. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Sera untangled herself from the rope and stood up, dusting herself off before casually leaping off the railing and landing gracefully on the bed. _Just like that?_ Cadash stared in awe and gripped the edge, then contemplated on jumping herself. _I want to try too..._ The archer looked up and grinned, "go on Twee, it's tons of fun I do it all the time!"

"That explains why my bed's always messed up," Cadash grumbled and struggled to climb on the railing, "sod it," she deflated and huffed, "I'm too short."

"Gimme a sec then," Sera shuffles backwards then sets off sprinting, hopping on the bed and using the momentum to spring up and grab the railing. Pulling herself up, she climbs over and kneels down, clasping her hands together and looking at the dwarf, "go on I'll give you a boost then we can jump together!" Gleefully giggling she missed the look the dwarf gave her, "'bout time ya loosen up to have some fun, deserve it too Twee."

Cadash stared at the elf's hands then back at the toothy lopsided grin, _was ready to crush her if she tried to pick me up, like how everybody else always does..._ She nodded at Sera and stabilized herself by placing both hands on the archer's shoulders then gingerly set her foot down. _She's the only one that treats me as an equal,_ she chuckled darkly which confused the elf, _and now **she's** looking up at **me** , not the other way around! _"Boost me up already!" _The only one I see eye to eye with,_ the dwarf wobbled unsteadily, "balance is-"

"I'll hold ya don't worry, just don't go off without me," Sera hastily clambered on to the railing beside Cadash and grinned at her, "first one down is a rotten egg!" _What?!_ The dwarf frantically waves her arms around as Sera lets go of her, cackling evilly as she stands triumphantly and with complete ease.

" **TRAITORRRRRR!** " Cadash wailed as she fell, her heart leapt to her throat and intense fear welled up within her, _falling,_ she closed her eyes, _going to be swallowed by the hole in the sky!_ She landed on the bed with a soft thud but kept her eyes shut, her breathing erratic as she tried to quell the irrational fear, _nonsense..._ She chewed the corner of her lip and vaguely registered the archer shaking her by the shoulders, _I'm fine, safe, what in the world was I thinking? Can't fall in the sky,_ peering one eye open she let out a sigh of relief.

"Twee, you alright?" Sera hovered over the dwarf's face and smoothed her palm along her forehead, "ya don't look so good for a rotten egg." _What the hell they don't look good regardless!_

Cadash propped herself up on her elbows and grinned tiredly, "never mind that," despite the momentary panic she found herself oddly exhilarated. The adrenaline often filling her during battle was coursing through her veins right now and she slid off the bed, "let's do that again!" Attempting to navigate the room as the world spun around her, the dwarf accidentally tripped over her own feet and crashed on the ground. She rolled on her back and groaned, "why won't it stop spinning?" Sera laughed and knelt beside her, balancing herself on her toes as she watched the dwarf with an amused look on her face.

"So fun, knocks ya off your feet huh? C'mon," Sera extended her hand, "take a break before ya puke all over the damn place. You really don't look good now," Cadash grunted weakly and the archer chuckled, "who woulda thought the mighty Inquisitor would be taken down by a-"

"D-don't- _ugh_ -insult me! I am the greatest- _hup_ -warrior," Cadash clamped her hand over her mouth as her stomach churned, _what is this feeling? Never felt this before..._

"Yeah, yeah," Sera hooked her arms under the dwarf's knees and neck, lifting her nonchalantly and carrying her to the bed, _s-strong.._ _._ She tossed the sick dwarf on the bed none to gently and snickered as her face contorted, "motion sick or something?"

"Du- _hic_ -nno... Don't feel so good though," Cadash covered her eyes and groaned as her stomach twisted into knots, the nausea was overwhelming her, _what is wrong with me? This is why dwarva instinctively hate the sodding surface..._

"That mean we ain't having another drinking contest tonight then? Ya still hafta beat me Twee," Sera grinned as the dwarf rolled away on to her side, grunting in disapproval, _that's because you cheat, nobody can out-drink me_. "Yeesh," her eyes narrowed on Cadash's shoulders and without thinking, she reached out to touch, "shite, yer real tense. Don't your neck hurt?"

"Used to it. Gotta look up at everyone all the time now," the dwarf grumbled, "another reason why me being the Inquisitor's a terrible idea..."

"If you hate it so much-here roll on your stomach-anyways if you hate it so much," Sera climbed on the bed and clambered over the dwarf then settled comfortably on her hips. "Why not quit?"

 _What is she doing?_ Cadash shook her head and hooked her arms under her pillows, "can't. All because of this stupid mark and- _oooh_ that feels nice..."

"Says who? Nobody can force ya," Sera smirked as the dwarf relaxed under her ministrations, fingers skillfully kneading the taut muscle and easing out the knots. "Damn Twee, stiff as a boner," she murmured and tilted her head in confusion as the woman below her tensed even more, "oi relax! Makin' it harder for me!"

"S-sorry," Cadash mumbled then buried her face in the pillow as she felt heat spread across her cheeks, _what is wrong with me?_ She mewled appreciatively when she felt fingers accidentally brush exposed skin, the sparks traveled up and down her spine before coursing to the very ends of her toes. _What were we even talking about before?_ The massage fogged her mind and the white-hot pleasure blinded her every time the elf gently kneaded circles at the back of her neck. _Handy trick,_ "teach me how to do this too."

Husky chuckles filled the silence and made the dwarf's stomach churn again, "sure thing Twee. Y'know I can give an even better massage," _she sounds different now, why?_ "Up for a round?" _What?_

"You mean sparring?"

"Wait," Sera froze, "you really don't have a clue?"

"Nah, should I?" _All I know is smuggling and fighting, massages aren't really my-_

"Frigging, ya daft tit."

"Frigging what?"

"Ugh," the archer sighed exasperatedly, "shoulda known. Y'know, tossing in the sheets, rolling in the hay?"

Cadash shifted her hips and the elf climbed off, she rolled on her back and propped herself up, "I still don't follow. Why would I fight-"

"Never mind ya clueless twat!" Sera huffs then slides off the bed, dejectedly plopping over to the chair, "come give this a try Twee." The dwarf watched her confused and shrugged, _ah what the heck, I don't see any harm in it and nobody else will see._ Cadash made her way over then struggled to lift her foot to the height of the chair and cursed lowly, the elf smirked as she watched with pure amusement. "I'll hold on to it, don't hafta worry 'bout it tipping over or nothin'."

"Thanks," the dwarf huffed tiredly as she attempted again, her frustration clouded her judgment and instead she jumped, tripping along the edge and toppling forward. Both of them yelped in surprise as they crashed to the ground, and Sera groaned in pain when the chair jammed against her awkwardly. "S-sod it all..." Cadash pushed up from the ground and inspected the archer, "are you alright?" _What is…_ Her stomach twisted again at the proximity of their faces, _what is this feeling?_ Concern welled up within her at Sera's pained grimaces and she roughly wove her fingers to the back of the elf's hair, feeling for any wounds.

"Fuck!" Sera hissed at the stinging pain then grunted when the dwarf retracted her fingers, "shite..."

Eyes glazing over the bloodied fingers, Cadash reacted instantly and kicked the chair away, hastily getting off the archer and cradling her. She lifted Sera over to the bed then pushed her on it, _need sodding steps to get up here or something… Can't jump while carrying someone._ "I'll go get some mead and ask one of the healers to come right now," she lifted two fingers and peered into the cloudy orbs, "how's your vision? How many fingers do you see?"

"Enough to know my head fucking hurts Twee, hu- _ugh_ -rry it up!"

"Aye," the dwarf hopped off the bed and rushed down the stairs, cursing as she made her way down, _my stomach…_ She gritted her teeth as she fought to keep the concern at bay, _it's nothing serious and she'll be fine,_ s _od it all,_ Cadash rushed over to the healers and stumbled over her words as she tried to explain the situation.

"I'm sorry," the female healer knelt down, "who are you?" One of the nearby healers chastised her and informed her about who Cadash was and the woman looked back at her incredulously, a mocking smirk gracing her lips. "What? Not this cute little thing, you two are off your rockers," the dwarf gritted her teeth, _of all times to not be taken seriously!_ "Look, she reeks of mead and she's even soiled herself, delirious little thi-"

"If you don't get yer soddin' ass up to my quarters to fix up my friend **right now** , I'll have Lady Nightingale **flay you alive**!" That did it, the healers quickly gathered their supplies and rushed ahead regardless if they believed Cadash to be the Inquisitor or not. _Hang in there Sera,_ the dwarf nervously clenched and unclenched her fists as she took deep gulps of air to sate her starved lungs. She rubbed her clammy palms on her stained breeches then jogged back, legs burning from all the stairs. _Stupid humans,_ she sighed, _me being the leader's a terrible idea…_

* * *

"Get out." Cadash crossed her arms and glared at the healers, particularly the woman who now averted her gaze in shame, "that'll teach you not to judge because of appearances, now sod off." As the healers scurried off, Cadash plopped over to the opposite side of the bed and jumped up. Landing with a soft 'oof' and pulling the rest of her up, she smirks at the knowing amused grin from the elf. "Good to know you have enough brain left to be a jerk to me."

"Didn't do nothin' Twee! Though gotta admit shite's funny when yer huffin' and puffin' just to get up yer own damn bed."

"Thaaaaanks," Cadash drawled sarcastically, "I need to chop these legs off."

"You're short enough though."

"The bed, Sera!" The dwarf's temple twitched as Sera merely laughed, "anyone else would get their heads rolling for that. You're lucky we're friends," she whispered under her breath, "don't even know how that worked out..."

"Got a thing for me Lady Herald, I can tell," Sera teased with a lilt in her voice and pointed to the dwarf, "'cept you don't even know what I'm talking 'bout huh?"

"Uhh," Cadash scratched the back of her head, "nope. I don't remember getting anything for you..." She looked around her room and mumbled, "did I knock my head too?"

"Never mind Twee," the archer huffed, "you'll get it someday. Better be me and not Bull, anyways..."

"Whatever that sodding bronto wants is not my problem. He's not getting anything from me!" Cadash clenched her fists, "he carried my ass up to-" she didn't understand the heated gaze the elf gave her, "Lady Nightingale just so she could ask me about a stupid rock! I'm a carta dwarf, a smuggler," the dwarf's temper frays as she rants, "I don't believe in the sodding Maker, and all I know is how to crack skulls! Who in their right fucking mind wanted **me** to be the leader?! It's just one problem to the next and-"

"Like I said," Sera chided gently, "just quit. Nobody's forcing you, yeah?"

"That's the thing, I **am** being forced. Even if I don't want it, like it, people just lift me up and toss me to the wolves! It happens every damn time," Cadash scoffed and hopped off the bed, "need to blow off steam and I'm going to start with this sodding bed." Walking over to the weapon rack she pulled off the poleaxe, already feeling at ease at the weight and rotating it to the side with the hammer face.

"Can ya wait till I get o-"

 **Crack.**

Sera and Cadash stared at each other silently as the dwarf casually swung the weapon over her head, gaining momentum and grinning when the archer yelped and clambered off the bed. With one powerful swing she broke off one of the legs and laughed as adrenaline coursed through her. She hastily ran to the next leg and measured her strike before swinging, completely oblivious of the antivan woman that rushed up to the quarters and jaw-dropped at the horrific sight.

Sera leaned on one leg and folded her hands behind her head, smirking with pride as she watched the gleeful dwarf crush her bed into bits. "Weirdo," she whispered and glanced at the shrieking Ambassador, laughing when Cadash paid absolutely no attention to her as she proceeded to smash the remaining legs into actual dust. Pieces flew every where in the room, "shite, you weren't kidding 'bout blowin' off some steam."

Josephine whirled around to the archer and pointed to her, " **you!** You made her do this?!"

"Oh frig!" Sera cackled as she made her escape, waving good bye to the dazed dwarf as she jumped off the balcony railing, "cya Twee! Good luck livin'!"

"Don't need luck when I-" Cadash turned around and froze, she instantly sweat bullets as she faced Skyhold's second scariest demon. _Oh. Balls. You can smell the killing intent with this one._ "Might I respectfully say something before the torture begins, Josephine?"

 **Crack.**

* * *

" **TRAITORRRRRR!** " Cadash chased the laughing archer around the tavern and waved the chair around, "here's your blasted chair! Let's high-five Sera!"

"Ain't stupid," Sera quickly ducked when one of the mugs came rocketing her way, "oi! Cool it Twee, yer gon' kill somebody!"

" **That's my intention!** " The dwarf forcefully shoved the table out of her way and advanced towards Sera, armed and dangerous. "Some people need a high-five," she huffed as she swung, "in the face," she tossed another mug and bit back the disappointment when mead splashed on the floor, "with this sodding chair! Yer one of 'em!" Her temper boiled as the elf cackled and nonchalantly dodged all swings and mugs. Thankfully all the patrons had been evacuated from the tavern and waited patiently for the natural disaster to run its course, well, all but one daring soul who chose to enter.

"Wha-" Bull didn't react quickly enough and something smashed in his face, he reeled back then gripped his nose, cursing as blood steadily dribbled out. Both screaming women paid no mind to him and he looked down at the offending weapon, mumbling quietly, "they threw a chair…?" As he watched the two run in circles, he decided to pick up the chair and sit down, grabbing a nearby mug to finish off. Cadash frustratedly flailed her arms and jumped up and down as she struggled to climb on the balcony railing Sera triumphantly stood on, the qunari sighed. "Guess it's time to help..." Bull reluctantly strode over and continued to dodge the cross-fire of mugs and food tossed around, grinning as the dwarf finally made eye contact with him. Her eyes widened in panic and she now aimed all her weapons at him, he rose his hand, "yo, Boss. Before ya do anything rash-" he shifted to the side to escape a mug, "gotta say you're gonna need some help taking Sera down. Truce?"

Cadash eyed him skeptically before whipping her head towards the elf, she immediately dove out of the way and flipped the table on it's side to hide behind it for cover. Several tomatoes painted the table and the dwarf gestured to Bull to come over then grinned smugly as the archer protested about unfairness. "Temporary truce," she seethed, "I haven't forgotten about earlier, _Salroka._ Grab these mugs and-"

"Wait, wait, wait, Boss, I got a plan." The dwarf shrugged and leaned in, _can't be worse than this,_ her stomach churned unpleasantly as Bull's eye flashed with mischief.

" **TRAITORRRRRR!** " Cadash wailed as she flew in the air, her arms flailed frantically as she rocketed straight for the stunned elf. The best way to catch a dextrous prankster? Catch her off guard with a flying dwarf, no need for ambushes or boring flank tactics.

 _T_ _RAITORS CRAWLING OUT THE WOODWORK! SOD IT ALL!_

Bull's gruff laughter bounced off the walls and he shouted with pride, "maaaayheeeeem!" He quickly sprinted down the stairs and escaped the tavern after the two women collided with each other. Cadash recovered instantly and checked to see if the archer was still alive, then glared at the entrance. Her anger was at peak performance now, you could smell the blood lust radiating off her.

 _I'M._

 _GOING._

 _TO._

 _ **CASTRATE.**_

 _HIM._

* * *

This chapter marks the unfortunate end of the 'Ride the Bull' _"roller-coaster."_


End file.
